A Part of Me
by galenissxo
Summary: Contains spoilers from Mockingjay. Katniss finally realizes that she needs to take control of her life and make some changes. Gale/Katniss/Galeniss.
1. Chapter 1

_Several times I close my eyes and count to ten, thinking that when I open them, he will have materialized without a sound as he so often did. I have to remind myself that Gale's in 2 with a fancy job, probably kissing another pair of lips._

As I am sitting on that familiar rock, I am suddenly overwhelmed with a variety of feelings, ones that I don't like. I try my best to resist the urge to breakdown, but when it sinks in that I am by my lonesome, I don't hold back any longer. The tears suddenly are flowing from my eyes like a waterfall and this time I don't even attempt to wipe them or to calm myself down. I was always used to being the strong one – not only for my family but also in front of the cameras. Only a small amount of people have seen me this way before, in District 13 when I had my terrible meltdown. At least this time I know I have the privacy to do whatever I want and nobody will look down on me. The way I feel? I caused all of this, all of it. Everything is my fault. My mind yet again races, this time filling with not only thoughts of Gale, but Prim and Peeta. They don't deserve what happened to them. My own sister was the one person that I was always supposed to protect and I failed miserably. My mother had been fragile for years, and now I've only made her one hundred times worse. Although she isn't at the complete stage of melting down, she is burying herself in work. She is using it as a disguise from all of the heartbreak and pain. Even though my mother would never admit that it was my entire fault, I know that she thinks it somewhere inside of her. Lastly, there is Peeta. Peeta would never admit that I did anything wrong or that I was to blame, but I am. What the Capitol did to him was all because of me – to get to me and the rebels. He will never be the same.

I go to inhale but instead I cough on a bunch of my own spit and tears. I choke for a moment before I hit a stage of panic from the feeling of not being able to breathe. I am in such a panic that I am going to suffocate my own self. My mind once again races, in a different manner this time, as I repeat the words in my head to the hanging tree. By the time I get to the second verse I feel myself finally being able to gasp for air and calm down. After taking a feel deep breaths and squeezing my hands together to stop the shaking, I close my eyes. I used to be a much stronger person than this, one that wasn't afraid of much. Ever since the war between the Capitol and the rebels, I truly cracked. Between Prim dying, Snow dying, and killing Coin, I was basically bound to be a basket case. I did so well holding it in for so long, but I guess a person can only take so much before they finally lose it. In some ways, I cannot even blame my mother for shutting down the way that she did. I wanted to shut down, hide in a shell, and cut myself away from the rest of the world. Life is not fair, not at all. People are betrayed, hurt, lied to, and then they die. There aren't many pleasant things to look forward to unless you're one of the lucky ones.

After wallowing in my pity for quite some time, I shakily pull myself to my feet and dust myself off. I look around and feel the sudden urge to hunt. I turn to the side, expecting Gale to be there, but I only find a tree instead. The sudden ache in my heart is almost overwhelming as I realize how much I truly miss him and that we can never be the same. My sudden urge to hunt is completely ruined. All I want to do now is go home – to my real home. I'd give anything to be back in that place with my mother and my sister, even the cat. I would do anything for him to hiss at me and for me to yell back at him. Just to hear my sister tell me to be nice and that he is upset. I feel the familiar sensation of my eyes burning, ready for tears to pour out, except I stop myself this time. _Stop it, Katniss. Stop. What are you doing to yourself? Are you really going to give up this easily? _I wish that I could shake the thoughts away, but I cannot. They are true. Just because I have cracked does not mean that I cannot try my best to turn this all around. Even though I do not have Prim any longer, I know she would not be happy seeing me this way. She always was afraid for me and I knew that if she saw me now that she would be sick. I am not anything like the Katniss Everdeen that she knew.

I kick a small pile of rocks that are lying near leaves and start storming out of the woods towards the familiar fence. Parts of my life may be over forever, but other parts I can still change. Even if I will always wonder if Gale was responsible for my sister's death, I cannot blame him forever. He is one of the only few people that I have left on my side and I abandoned him, pushed him away. Maybe it will take me a while to trust him again and to get what we had back, but I am a fool for letting it all fall apart. Prim knew that Gale would never hurt her for anything, just as I knew it. All of this was a terrible accident. I need to get past the anger in my soul and fight for the things that I can have in my future. Prim would hate me for shoving Gale away, from shunning Peeta, and for leaving my mother on her own. I am doing nothing like I should be; instead I am turning into a weak, helpless, and defenseless person. I kick another rock as I pick up my pace and finally near the fence. I feel as if I gained some of the strength back that I so desperately needed – all from clearing my mind in the woods.

After climbing through the spot in the fence, I make my way back to my home in District 12. It will still never be "home" to me, I just consider it a place of living. As I walk inside, Greasy Sae is standing in the kitchen, cooking as usual. She stares at me as if I suddenly became deranged.

"Katniss….?"

"I am not hungry. I just came to pack a few things."

"Oh, really? Where exactly are you headed?"

I scowled, although I am not surprised with her questions. Ever since my return I think her purpose has been to keep me alive, eating, and to make sure that I do not go mad. So far, she has succeeded for the most part.

"District Two."

For once, I swear that I almost heard a squeal escape from somewhere inside of Greasy Sae. Again, I arched my eyebrow but her expression turned completely blank, as if she did not care at all. She always did have a soft spot for Gale, for the two of us. Peeta would never relate to her and she could never relate to him.

"You be careful, now."

Just as I went to head up the stairs, I swear I saw her grinning from ear to ear. Although I was somewhat pleased with my plan to go find Gale, I had a sick, anxious feeling that was overtaking me more than anything. This was not going to be easy. When I hurried into my bedroom, my expression changed completely as I saw Peeta pacing around. I nibbled on my bottom lip before briefly making eye contact with him.

"Hi."

"You were gone a while, is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, I'm…."

"Am I interrupting something?" Peeta looked at me curiously, but I honestly knew that he wasn't trying to pry or upset me. He had been one of the nicest people to me during the difficult times. I shunned him more than a few times, but he always came back.

"I am actually about to pack and go on a little trip."

"Should I go get my things?"

I felt a burning, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach as I knew that I was going to have to tell him no. If I was going to talk to Gale, it had to be just us – no Peeta, nobody else. Even if Gale had a girlfriend, something that I dreaded to think about, I'd make her go away.

"This is something I have to do alone."

"You're going to District Two."

"I am."


	2. Chapter 2

"Why now? It's so sudden."

I am not used to hearing Peeta make these sorts of remarks. Usually, he just lets me do my own thing, as long as he can stay near me. I'm convinced that he believes I'm still part crazy or something like that. He's afraid that all it's going to take is something small to either shut me down or set me off. Maybe he's right, and maybe seeing Gale will do that to me – but I need to know. I am not the kind of person that can sit back and let things happen. I have already been stupid enough to let Gale go without even admitting to him that I needed him around. One of my biggest flaws is apparently toying with people and their feelings, leading them on, making them feel like puppets, confusing them. I still remember that night at the Capitol when I overheard Peeta and Gale talking. They were right about me. I have been so consumed with my hatred for the Capitol for quite some time now that I completely let my old self slip by. I used to be the girl that was perfectly content hunting in the woods with Gale. I loved talking to him, knowing that he would always show up and be there. As much as I wondered about Peeta, he didn't cross my mind every day. He made the gesture to me back years and years ago with the bread, but nothing ever came of it. My whole life changed when my sister's name got drawn and I never had the chance to look back at how good some things were. Even if I have Peeta now, I lost Gale and it seems like it might be a permanent thing.

"I know." I didn't know what else to say to Peeta, but I was pausing for so long that it almost felt like I needed to reply with something short or overly dramatic. I sighed, feeling mildly uncomfortable. I knew that if I explained this too much that it would do nothing but hurt Peeta. He had been so patient with me for so long that it didn't seem right to tell him what I needed to talk to Gale about. I suddenly felt like that awkward girl in District Thirteen who was torn between the two because of so many different reasons. I swept a loose strand of my hair away from my face before forcing myself to make eye contact with Peeta. I couldn't do this to him.

"You really don't want me to come with you?"

"It's not that I don't _want_ you to…."

"Katniss, it's fine."

I knew I hurt him. Nothing that I ever did seemed to be right by everyone. Either I hurt my family, Gale, or Peeta. I could never just have things work out. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better off if I just lost the Hunger Games and died. What did they really help me with anyway? The entire war started because of my stupid move with the berries. If I would have been a normal girl who went into the games then things would be completely different. I normally hated to dwell on the games and "what-if" scenarios but with how upside down my life had been lately I couldn't fight the thoughts.

"No, it's not fine. I'm sorry but you know that I have to do this."

"What are you going to say to him? You're going to try to convince him to come back, aren't you?"

Now Peeta was pushing me to the limit. I didn't even know what I was going to say to Gale when I laid eyes on him. I knew it would be just my luck to turn to mush or to be too cold. I could either be one or the other. I still couldn't help but to worry about what Gale is doing over there. He could have moved on completely, although I might have heard of it by now. It was still a disturbing thought. All of this time I had the comfort of knowing that Gale was mine and that he would always be there for me – until I shoved him away because of Prim's death. I no longer had that security net of knowing he was going to be by my side. I seemed to be turning into the person that destroyed things easily.

"No."

"You're just going to go say hello?"

"Peeta!"

I for once saw Peeta become visibly stressed about the situation. He took his left hand and brought it to his temple to massage it gently before letting his hand run down his face. I knew that I was driving this poor guy to insanity. Maybe it would have been wise for me to get up and move to a different district. Sometimes I wondered if a fresh start is what I needed, but then again, it was so hard to start fresh now. Peeta knew me and understood the things I went to. The nightmares? They never really go away. Even Gale couldn't understand those. It's not even the typical kind of nightmare that a child gets. It's a million times worse and it runs through your soul until you cannot take it anymore. It's emotionally and physically draining. I feel my face flush of any color as soon as I relive those terrifying thoughts in my mind.

"Katniss?"

He was staring at me now, worried. It was strange to see the way that his mood could change, but Peeta cared about me so much that it couldn't even be put into words. I could scream at him or rip him to shreds and two seconds later he'd be back to loving me unconditionally. I really wasn't fair to him. I put him through nothing but hell from the first games until now. I inhaled a lot of air and then slowly exhaled, letting the exhalation linger for a moment or two before glancing in Peeta's direction. Saying goodbye was much harder than I thought. I never even expected that he was going to be here and that I was going to have to do this. I hoped that I could sneak off before he would even realize I was gone.

"Sorry. I know you'll worry about me but I promise I'm better – ask Greasy Sae."

"She won't tell me anything."

It was true. Greasy Sae and Peeta were sort of strangers, even though they got along and chit-chatted here and there. Since Peeta sort of became one of us, she warmed up a bit – but he was nothing like Gale to her. She had the fond memories of him bringing game, the Hob: Peeta was in a totally different world back then.

"I promise she will. She's just old and quiet."

"That's not true. She likes to talk to you."

"She talks to me because she thinks that she has to take care of me after all that happened. Otherwise she wouldn't be here cooking for me each meal of the day."

"That's not why she talks to you."

"Fine! What do you want me to say? She and I relate to each other in some odd way. But that doesn't mean that she isn't capable of having a conversation with you. Now I really have to go."

My patience was becoming short with Peeta. It wasn't typical for us to have any sort of a spat, let alone over something so stupid. My mind was in the sort of mode where all I wanted to do was run and escape. I needed to get out of District Twelve and to Gale. He would understand why I was coming, even if he'd be mad at me. I missed even hearing his voice, some of the typical comments he would make. I don't like to admit it, but I even miss hearing him call me Catnip. It's silly but the small word makes such a difference. I sigh again at the stresses of dealing with Peeta and the anxiety of getting out of here and quickly. I move over to the closet and grab a bag and start stuffing a few things into it. I won't need much, but I need to go.

"How long do you plan on staying? And how are you getting there?"

"I don't know. How do you think?"

Since Paylor was in command, she was lenient with me. I could pretty much do what I wanted – even if some of the people still thought I was a little crazy. I could even call Haymitch if I got so desperate to get me to District Two. He understood my relationship with Gale, even though he respected Peeta. He would think it would be good for me to go, I know it. Ever since the war ended, people thought I was just some insane girl who sat at home and withered away to nothing. Getting out of Twelve would do me some good and maybe slightly repair my image, not that I cared.

"Fine, you have fun. Tell Gale I said hi."

"Have fun? You think I am going there to have fun?"

"Well you won't answer me, so it's a good guess."

I glared at Peeta for once, not accepting the way that he was behaving. Where was the warm, sweet, patient Peeta that I was used to? He didn't do this jealousy thing. I tried my best to resist my anger and forced a smile.

"Okay, then, I'm going to have fun in District Two."

"Maybe I'll go have fun somewhere too."

"You do that. I'm going now."

I grabbed my bag and pushed open the door to run back down the stairs. I wanted to escape. I needed to call Haymitch and have him help me set up the arrangements first. Greasy Sae was staring at me but gave me a little nod, so I just ignored her and went to the phone. I hoped that Haymitch wasn't drunk off of his ass and could pick up his phone. So much for his sobriety in District Thirteen.


End file.
